Archive for April, 2009
Men’s room signs
April 21st, 2009In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, “THINK!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, “THOAP!”
Big Steak
April 20th, 2009A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.
“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”
Glass Eye
April 18th, 2009A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No, she replied…. You just happened to catch my eye!”
Marriage Lessons
April 17th, 2009On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Phil was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Phil, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Phil responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
The blonde wants a baby
April 16th, 2009The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.”
“Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
Lawyer Ethics
April 15th, 2009A laywer is speaking to his son about ethics.
“Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man’s question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.
The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?”
If only men would listen…
April 14th, 2009A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells “PIG!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, “BITCH!!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
Job opportunities with a Liberal Arts degree
April 13th, 2009Seen on a T-shirt:
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?”
