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Archive for March, 2009

What Mom Taught Me

March 22nd, 2009

MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!”

MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of that carpet!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’ll knock you into next week!”

MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why!”

MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”

MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY:
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER:
“It looks like a tornado went through your room!”

MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY:
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times-don’t exaggerate!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out!”

Parking Ticket

March 21st, 2009

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked moron.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a son of a mutant pig.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care.

My car was parked around the corner.

Little Construction Girl

March 20th, 2009

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons of bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that’s worth a shit!”

Maintenance Complaints

March 19th, 2009

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

10 Reasons Why Dragons Don’t Chat Online

March 18th, 2009

Their claws can’t fit on the tiny keyboards.
The utility men are afraid to wire their lairs.
Most dragons are holding out for a computer that won’t be obsolete before their next age category.
People can talk about a dragon any way they want on a chat line and the dragon can’t kill them for it.
Dragons don’t exist, silly.
Dragons would rather keep their gold than buy a computer.
They keep eating the mouse.
There are no dragon nerds.
Their fiery breath overheats the CPU.
You don’t get the full fear effect over the webcam. Dragons hate that.

Signs of Menopause

March 17th, 2009

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.