Archive for February, 2009
Friday Night in Dublin
February 8th, 2009Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
“Aye, so I have. It’s Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…” Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”
Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!”
Congregation Hypnotized
February 7th, 2009A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. “And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked.
“It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.”
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
“Crap!” exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Wordperfect Customer Support
February 6th, 2009“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“…….Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“……. Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outrage.”
“A power… A power outrage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, er, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is the problem that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”
Crawling Home
February 5th, 2009An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“Why do you say that?” he asks innocently.
“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Grandaughter’s Party
February 4th, 2009A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out – caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
Other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.” He then turned to Willie and yelled, “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”
Ted in the Closet
February 3rd, 2009A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You jerk,” yells the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
Noah’s Ark
February 2nd, 2009And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people and flamers are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark.”
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the ark. Noah trembled and fumbled with the blueprints. “Six months and it will start to rain–you’d better have the ark completd or learn to swim for a very long time!” thundered the Lord.
Six month passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping–and there was no ark.
“NOAH!” shouted the Lord. “Where is the ark?”
‘Lord, please forgive me,” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction process, and your plans didn’t meed code. I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got in a big fight over whether the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Commission that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch the owls–so no owls.
“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but no Spotted Owls. Then I started gathering up the animals. First, I was confronted by a man from New Jersey who said I was taking too many different kinds of cats. He handed me some paper titled, WIAB. Then I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only 2 of each kind, and wanted the animals to be free to roam the ark with no form of containment. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood plan. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
“Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I’m trying to resove a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many different race and ethnicities I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the State about owing some kind of use tax.
“I really don’t think I can finish the ark for at least another 5 years!” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the Earth?” he asked, hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
Bodybuilder Undresses
February 1st, 2009A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?”
She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
