Archive for January, 2009

Choices

January 31st, 2009

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.

When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.

“Oh, no thank you,” replied the priest. “I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, “Excuse me, miss, I didn’t know I had a choice.”

Newlywed Practical Jokes

January 30th, 2009

A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married and each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.

The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.

The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.

As the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something.

After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends and said, “I didn’t mind too much when we got zapped,” he told them, “and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in heck put Novocaine in the Vaseline?”

Two Little Old Ladies

January 29th, 2009

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, ‘Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!’

‘You’re on!’ said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

‘What happened?’ asked her waiting friend.

‘I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.’

Human Resources Interview

January 28th, 2009

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes,” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

Turtle Flight

January 27th, 2009

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Trip to the Pharmacy

January 26th, 2009

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realised that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist.

“Please fill this immediately,” she asked. “I’ve got people waiting in my car!”

Visiting the Stork

January 25th, 2009

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, “Gee, Dad, he doesn’t recognize me.”

Martian attraction

January 24th, 2009

The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields, and finally came into the city.

They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow, and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, “Let’s get out of here. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman who’s a tease.”