Archive for November, 2008
7 Shots of Whiskey
November 30th, 2008This guy rushes into the bar, orders 7 straight shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them.
“Drinking kinda fast, aren’t you, fella?” the bartender asks as he’s pouring #7.
“You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!” says the man.
“What do you have?” asks the bartender.
“Fifty Cents.” says the drunk.
Fertilizing an Egg
November 29th, 2008Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
Funny Animals
November 28th, 2008
Paddy and the Rabbits
November 28th, 2008Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : Seven!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : Seven!
Tester : Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : Six.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : Seven!
Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I’ve already got one rabbit at home!
Bad Movie Titles
November 27th, 2008
Three British Soldiers
November 27th, 2008Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
“Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps,” he said, “So the regiment has decided give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?”
“Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!”
“That’s 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?”
“Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!”
The captain took the measurement. “Six feet, two inches….740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?”
“Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!”
“Very well. Drop your trousers, then.” The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man’s penis, then looked up and asked, “Where are your balls, sergeant?”
“Goose Green, Falklands, sah!”
And that’s how the fight started.
November 13th, 2008When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And that’s how the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’. And that’s how the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started.
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