Archive for October, 2008
Great Boss
October 31st, 2008Johnson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “We’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff around .”
“We’re short-handed, Johnson,” snapped his boss. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks boss,” says Johnson, “I knew I could count on you!”
New kind of car
October 29th, 2008Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?” one asked.
“He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tyres from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“Ten years to life.”
How to achieve 103%
October 28th, 2008We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
Well here’s how you do that. Here’s how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here’s a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.
IF:
A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,
K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you’d expect),
A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% …
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
Top Ten Police Comebacks
October 27th, 2008- I’m sorry Ma’am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
- Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say “Thank You.” We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
- Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I’m going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
- Hurry it up? Sure, I’ll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn’t take more than six hours.
- Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
- What do you mean I won’t believe you? Just because you’ve got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn’t mean there isn’t a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- No, you’ve got that WRONG. I’m even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
- Of course you didn’t DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
- She STARTED it? That’s the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
- HAVE A NICE DAY.
- BONUS: No, MY taxes pay my salary. YOUR taxes bought a monkey for the zoo.
The Professor
October 26th, 2008A professor was asked to be an advisor on a university student’s dissertation. He accepted the request with delight. All proceeded well and on the date the paper was due, the student delivered a beautiful bound copy of his report to the professor.
Two months went by and the student hadn’t heard a word, so he went to the professors office and asked him what he thought of the paper.
“Well,” said the professor, “I think it needs to be redone.”
Although dejected, the student decided to take another try at the report.
Two months later, the student delivered the new version to his professor.
Another month went by, without him hearing a word. Again, the student went to see the professor, and again was told the paper had to be redone.
Now totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board and rewrote the paper for a third time.
Two months later, he returned to the professor’s office with the new term paper in hand and said to him, “I’ve re-researched and rewritten to the extent that I’ve left no stone unturned and no thought unanalyzed. There is just nothing more I can do.”
“OK,” said the professor, “I guess I will read this one.”
Anal Optic Nerve
October 23rd, 2008Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn’t bring tears to your eyes.
The Female Genie
October 22nd, 2008While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?”
Osama responded, “You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything.”
The shocked Genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.”
The annoyed Genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden awoke in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
George Carlin’s Views on Aging
October 22nd, 2008Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your lif e ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
- Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’
- Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
- Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
- Enjoy the simple things.
- Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
- The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
- Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
- Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
- Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
- Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
