Archive for September, 2008
100 Dollar Bill
September 24th, 2008Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
A Train Schedule
September 24th, 2008A man waiting for the train looks at his watch and notices that the train is late by 15 minutes. Spotting a railroad engineer to his left, he flags him down and tells him “What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.”
The railroad engineer, looks at his schedule then looks back to the man and responds “How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?”
A curse
September 23rd, 2008An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
An Embarrassing Problem
September 23rd, 2008An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”
“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week.”
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”.
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing.”
Golf between a man and a woman
September 22nd, 2008A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.
Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
“You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.”
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
“I’m sorry,” she repeats.
“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the women’s tees all week!!”
Hey Peter? This is Lucifer…
September 22nd, 2008The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later……
“Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
Good Teeth
September 22nd, 2008There are three basic rules for having good teeth:
- Brush them twice a day.
- See your dentist twice a year.
- Keep you nose out of other people’s business.
Rumor of Light
September 21st, 2008Dennis was a typical Irish farmer in a section of Ireland where electricity was still a rumor. One day his pregnant wife, feeling the pains, knew her time was near, so the doctor was sent for. The doctor asked Dennis to bring him a kerosene lamp so the delivery could be performed. The doctor asked Dennis to hold the light up close. The doctor worked for a while, and then the sound of a crying baby was heard. The doctor said, “You’ve got a son.”
Dennis said, “That deserves a bit of a drink, doesn’t it?”
The doctor indicated that there was more work to do. Soon another baby emerged, and the doctor reported, “That’s two boys.”
“I think I’ll open the good whiskey,” Dennis said.
The doctor said, “Hold the light closer.” In several minutes he came up with a little girl. He displayed her for the dazed father, who said, “Do you think the light’s attracting them?”
