Archive for August, 2008
Holding a baby
August 31st, 2008A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Teenage Girl on the phone
August 31st, 2008A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
Ten Dollars
August 30th, 2008Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Difficult Essay Exam
August 30th, 2008One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor.
The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked “Do you know who I am?”
The prof said “No and I don’t care.”
The student asked again “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Grandpa in Hospital
August 29th, 2008Man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in hospital. “How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet — and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing,”: he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true!”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
First Night Home
August 29th, 2008Mr. Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good. I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Mrs. Jones snapped back, “This is the third night in a row you’ve asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?”
What town is this?
August 28th, 2008When their train stopped briefly at a large station house in Canada, an American couple traveling cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to stretch their legs.
Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a pile of baggage, the American asked, “What town is this?”
“Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,” came the reply.
“Why don’t you ask this next gentleman, dear?” the man’s wife said. “Perhaps he speaks English.”
An earring
August 28th, 2008A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring.” he replies sheepishly.
“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”
