Archive for June, 2008
Beer Flys
June 30th, 2008One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”
Drinking Judge
June 30th, 2008A respected Irish judge left Clancy’s bar after a hard night of tippling. Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and upchucked all over his fine suit.
He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. “Aye, Moira, not to fear.” he said. “I had him arrested, and Monday I shall give him 30 days for this atrocious offense.”
His adoring wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied,
“Better give him 60 days, your honor, he shit in your pants, too…”
Painful Memories
June 29th, 2008A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string. He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, “Okay, doc, I don’t want any of that sleepin’ stuff, and no Novacain, or pain killers. You just start sewin’ on this arm best way you know how!”
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can’t take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, “Man, don’t this hurt a lot?” Farmer says, “Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life.”
The doc jumps back. “Third worst pain you ever had in your life?! Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I’m here, stitchin’ it up with no pain killers, or sleepin’ stuff, and you’re tellin’ me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can’t be anything much worse than this!”
Farmer says, “Oh, yeah, doc…try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin’ one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!”
Doc says, “Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts, and you’re tellin’ me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain’t be nuthin’ worse than that!”
Farmer says, “Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in the chain runs out!”
Pepper anyone?
June 27th, 2008A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!”
Blood Analysis
June 26th, 2008On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me…in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”
Teacher’s Lessons
June 24th, 2008TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Are you a professional?
June 22nd, 2008The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional.
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
THE Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
THE Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your prudence.
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
THE Correct Answer: The Elephant ! The Elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer correctly the last three questions, this one may be your last chance to testify your qualification to be a professional.
There is a crocodile-infested river with no bridges. How do you manage to get across it?
THE Correct Answer!: Simply swim across it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
Don’t be frustrated. According to the statistics of Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam.
But most preschoolers got it correct which disproves the theory that most “professionals” have the brains of a four year old.
51 Days
June 21st, 2008A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child’s puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
