Archive for May, 2008
A Letter from the Power Company
May 30th, 2008I complained about my recent electric bill and here’s the response!!
Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice.
We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice.
We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those checks coming!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Co.
Who’s On Top?
May 29th, 2008He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling’
Little Tony just said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
What time does the bar open?
May 29th, 2008At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
“It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before – noon,” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“No! I don’t wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!”
Blonde Flying a Helicopter
May 28th, 2008A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”
Signs that you might be too Canadian for your own good
May 27th, 2008- You know all the words to “If I Had a Million Dollars”, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
- You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly”.
- You think God probably looks more like Gordon Pinsent than Charlton Heston.
- You know that the Friendly Giant isn’t a vegetable product line.
- You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
- You can still whistle the theme to “The Forest Rangers”.
- You remember when Alanis Morisette was “Too Hot To Hold”.
- You participated in “Participaction”.
- You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
- You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale,”What’s good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me”.
- You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin yet.
- You know Ashley MacIssac isn’t Celtic enough.
- Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
- Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don’t possess a Canadian passport.
- You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color.
- You know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize” and “no sugar added”, thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
- You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
- You have more than 3 friends named Gordon.
- You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram’s “Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo” opus.
- You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
- You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of “X Files” from British Columbia to California, but you’re far too apathetic to do anything about it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old “Beachcombers” cast getting some TV work now and then.
- You know that a “Premier” isn’t a baby born a few weeks early.
- You end every sentence with eh.
- You know what a touque is.
- You have some momento of Doug and Bob.
- You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you’re glad Jerry Lewis is not.
- You know Toronto is not a province.
- You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.
- You believe “the Canadian Conspiracy” should have won an Oscar.
- You never miss “Coaches Corner”.
- Backbacon is a food group.
- You read rather than scanned this list.
Dying Wish
May 25th, 2008Sean was lyin’ on his deathbed with his lifelong friend by his side.
“Paddy, me dear friend, ye remember that grand case o’ scotch we won at poker when we were in the merchant marine these many years ago?”
“Aye, Sean, that I do. Some thirty years ago it was.”
“Well, laddie, I never told ye, but I set one bottle aside, and I’ve kept it even to this day.”
“Ah, Sean, heart of me heart, ’tis a fine thing ye’ve done!” Paddy’s mouth was watering at the thought of having a last drink with his bosom buddy, a shot of magnificently aged whiskey.
With great difficulty, Sean raised himself up on one elbow, reached out and clutched Paddy by the lapel of his jacket and looked him straight in the eye. “Paddy, me own, would ye do me one last, dyin’ favor, in the name of our true and lastin’ friendship?”
Paddy returned his gaze with genuine affection. “Anything, Sean, ye know ye can count on me.”
Sean relaxed and fell back into his bed. “When they lay me out in that pine box and they lower me down into the ground and they cover me over with sod, Paddy, me boy, will ye take that fine bottle of scotch and pull the cork, and pour the whiskey all over me grave?”
(pause as Paddy swallows)
“Aye, Sean, that I will … But would ye mind if it passes through me kidneys first?”
The Madam and the 98 Year Patron
May 23rd, 2008An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Just how old are you, mister?”
“Why,” the old patron says, “I’m 98 years old today!”
“Ninety-eight!” the madam exclaims. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh,” he says, “then how much do I owe you?”
Redneck Lottery Win
May 22nd, 2008A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
