Archive for January, 2008
Count Your Blessings
January 31st, 2008A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up.
He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.”
“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special – Don’t ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems.”
New and Unused
January 30th, 2008A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, “You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.”
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, “Look at this, it’s still in the crate!”
No mail for you
January 29th, 2008A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and, again, opened it, then slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
“My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January 28th, 2008January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! … bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited … finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months … box said “2-4 years!”
April
Trapped on escalator for hours … power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid … wrong instructions … 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing … couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition … learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm … car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is “C”… isn’t it???
October
Hate M & M’s … they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn’t call 911 . “duh”… there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
January 27th, 2008Twelve:
- Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem,
- one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French,
- one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked,
- one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been under-represented in the process,
- one to go over the border to an American factory outlet mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back,
- one to actually screw it in,
- one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it,
- one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and
- one to drop the puck.
The barman never had a chance
January 26th, 2008A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
January 25th, 2008KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing ?”
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road … it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Two Old Geezers
January 23rd, 2008Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, i think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”
His friend says, “Could be worse I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch, why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window…taking my teeth with her.”
