Archive for December, 2007
Snow Fairy
December 31st, 2007There is talk up North about a Snow Fairy who appears at night and shovels sidewalks and driveways.
During the recent storms, he was sighted and someone was lucky enough to get his picture!
The Good Guys
December 31st, 2007The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, “Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT….. Two days later… “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
Men are like…
December 30th, 2007Men are like……Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like…..Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like…..Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like…..Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like…..Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like…..Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like…..Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like…..Curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like…..Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like…..Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like…..Lawn Mowers.
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.
Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like…..Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like…..Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like…..Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like…..Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like…..Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how
long he will last.
Men are like…..Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like…..Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like…..Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
My Resume
December 30th, 2007- My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
- Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
- Then, I tried to be a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
- Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn’t cut the mustard.
- My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
- Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
- I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
- So then I got a job in a Workout Center, But they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work! , I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
- SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Social Security
December 29th, 2007A retired gentleman went into the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” He opens his shirt,revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”, and she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, “You should have dropped your pants; you might have qualified for disability too.”
The Noble Woman
December 29th, 2007There were 11 people hanging onto a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety.
Ten were men and one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Girls vs. Boys
December 28th, 2007Girls
There are many good things in life,
like cars, money, and trees.
But if you want something confusing,
a girl is all you need.
A girl doesn’t say what she wants,
but you’re somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,
stay here, stay there, or just go.
Then there’s the time,
you all know what i mean,
that monthly little joy.
That lets them abuse you,
just for being a boy.
If you ever dare look at another girl,
they seem to scream, go on, and panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,
at the sight of that queer from Titanic.
They give you questions like “Am i fat?”,
and “If you could go with one of my friends, who?”.
There is no answer, face the facts,
you are definatly through.
They take nothing and blow it up,
and make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,
you are just as hard to understand as us.
Boys
A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.
Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.
Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait untill we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is a night
You will wonder if he’s true,
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.
If you get a chance to see him
Your heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,
There’s nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night You see,
my friend, you’re losing him
It never turns out right.
Boys are great,
though immature
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous
But remember, he’s a guy.
Don’t fall in love with just a boy
That takes alot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.
So when you think that you’re in love,
Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that he’s a man.
The Benefits of Growing Older
December 27th, 2007- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- People who call at 9 p.m. ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You send money to PBS.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are more hairy than your head.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You bought cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
