Archive for October, 2007
Beside me
October 31st, 2007A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully “You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying…”
She squeezed his hands as he continued. “When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply…” He continued “Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.”
“Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. I never seem to be promoted and my hard work isn’t recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now…And you were still beside me…” Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband “And now I’ve had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me…
There’s something I’d really like to say to you…” She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, “I think you bring me bad luck … so go away!”
Last roses
October 31st, 2007A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on the bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” the second man confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive.”
Time travel
October 30th, 2007Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, a guy inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.”
“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”
“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”
K-9 Unit
October 30th, 2007The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, “I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!”
Chicken
October 29th, 2007An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens I’ve made it in time! Have you any chicken?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.
“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.
“Marvelous!” says the woman. “I’ll have both of them please.”
Cannibals
October 29th, 2007Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. “You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.” The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”
A hand rose hesitantly.
“You fool!” the leader continued.
“For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”
Head bump
October 28th, 2007A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”
Extreme sexual exhaustion
October 27th, 2007A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says: “Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”
