Archive for September, 2007
The Desert
September 30th, 2007A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful … stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
Pint of Booze
September 30th, 2007Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”
Demon Ethel in a Wheelchair
September 29th, 2007Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!”, he said in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
“OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold Popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of Insurance?.”
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.
“Oh, no” said Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!”
Computer Error
September 28th, 2007Someone was having trouble with their computer, so they called the computer guy over to the desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, the user called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over the user’s face. “An ID ten T error?” What’s that in case I need to fix it again?”
He gave a grin. “Haven’t you ever seen an ID ten T error before?”
“No.”
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
I D 1 0 T
Stormy Bagels
September 28th, 2007It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, “May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Sherry.”
“Sherry is your wife?” asked the baker.
“What do you think,” snapped the little man, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
Storm Windows
September 27th, 2007One hot July day Boudreaux saw a commercial on television for Cajun Home Improvements, which was advertising the energy-saving benefits of storm windows. After talking it over with his wife Marie, they decided that it would be good to have them installed on their home in greater downtown Breaux Bridge.
The following December, on a cold day, a policeman knocked on Boudreaux’s door, slapped handcuffs on him, threw him into the back seat of his police car, and took him to jail.
A few days later, Boudreaux appeared in court before Judge Thibodeaux.
Judge Thibodeaux looked across the courtroom at Boudreaux and asked him if he knew why he had been brought to court. Boudreaux responded that he had no idea. Judge Thibodeaux told Boudreaux it was because he hadn’t yet sent Cajun Home Improvements the money for the installation of his new storm windows.
Boudreaux responded, “Mais Judge, da reason why I ain’t send dem any money is cause, before I bought dem windows, de salesman told me dat in 6 months dey would pay for demselves!”
Seagull in Scotland
September 26th, 2007A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.
The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn’t looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.
Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.
The seagull’s shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he’s become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.
Customers have begun paying for the seagull’s stolen bags of chips because they think it’s so funny.
Tech Support
September 26th, 2007USER: “Hey, everytime I am online and want to make a phone call I get this loud static and then my connection is lost.”
BUZZY: Do you have the modem plugged into a separate phone line.
USER: “Yes”
BUZZY: “So you have a totally separate phone number for your modem.”
USER: “Yes”
BUZZY: “And the modem is plugged into THAT phone line, not the one you are speaking to me one now.”
USER: “Yes, I told you. I am not stupid.”
BUZZY: Ok, sir. I was not implying you are stupid. I am just asking the normal questions. Can you try to go on-line while you are on the phone with me?
USER: “ok, I am trying now ……
[CLICK and sound of phone dialing]
BUZZY: “Sir, it appears the modem is indeed plugged into the same phone line.”
USER: No, it is on a different cord. I am looking at it now. The cord comes from the wall into the back of the computer.
BUZZY: Where is the phone plugged into?
USER: The modem
BUZZY: (AFTER hanging up.) This guys obviously needs WebTV.
