Archive for August, 2007
Bumper Stickers for real women
August 31st, 2007- So many men, so few who can afford me.
- God made us sisters, prozac made us friends.
- If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
- Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
- Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich
- Don’t treat me any differently than you would the queen.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
- I’m out of estrogen – and I have a gun.
- Guys have feelings too. but like…who cares?
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- And your point is?
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
- Do not start with me. You will not win.
- You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
- If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
- Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Ten Commandments
August 31st, 2007A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
The Penis
August 30th, 2007Mr. Penis hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
- You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire LONG before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated area before you have completed the assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
The top 5 reasons not to be a penis:
- You’re bald your whole life.
- You have a hole in your head.
- Your neighbours are nuts.
- The guy behind you is an ass hole and…
- Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
Limping along
August 30th, 2007While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
Be quiet in church
August 29th, 2007A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
No male pallbearers
August 28th, 2007An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
Adam and Eve’s Marriage
August 27th, 2007Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Mud pack
August 26th, 2007Upon his visit to the doctor, Mr. Smith says, “Boy, ya know Doc, I haven’t been feeling well lately.”
“Really? Well, let’s give you an exam,” says the doctor.
So, after a rather long and thorough exam, the doctor tells Mr. Smith, “I’m so sorry Mr. Smith, but I’m afraid that you only have ten days to live.”
“TEN DAYS!” cried Mr. Smith. “Ten days. My God Doc, isn’t there anything I can do?”
“Well there is one thing you could try…” says the Doctor.
“Anything! Anything – what is it?” pleads Mr. Smith.
“Well, you could go down to the beauty parlor and get a mud pack every day.”
Somewhat surprised by the answer, Mr. Smith replies, “Really Doc, will that really help?”
“Well no, not really,” says the doctor. “But, it may get you used to the dirt.”
