Archive for July, 2007
Broom factory
July 31st, 2007A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, “But why?” he asked.
“Nothin, I just wanna quit that’s all,” she said sullenly.
“Look, I’ll give you a raise.”
“No,” she said.
“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”
“Okay if you must know…” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look, I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you…”
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, “Ha ha…my dear, it’s nature. Look, I have it, too….”
“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Mousey escapades
July 31st, 2007Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a date with the cat.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Rudolph
July 30th, 2007One day, a Russian couple are walking down the street, trying to find some black bread to go with there cabbage soup, when the husband says, “Did you just feel rain there?”
“No, I thought it felt more like snow”, replied his wife and, as these things go in married life, it developed into an argument.
Just then, a communist party official walked by. “Lets ask Rudolph if it is officially raining or snowing today”, suggested the woman. So they asked.
“Today it is officially raining”, said Rudolph, and walked away. “I still thought it was snow”, moaned the mans wife, to which he replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Luncheon
July 30th, 2007A member of the Stake High Council, the Ward Relief Society President and a Return Missionary were in a plane when it was hijacked. The hijackers took all three of them as hostage, and told them they were to be shot as an example to the other passengers. However, these hijackers were not too cold. They granted each one a last request.
The Relief Society President asked if she could throw one last luncheon.
The High Council member wanted to give a good talk after the luncheon.
The Return Missionary thought for a moment. “Can I be killed after the luncheon and before the talk?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Timing
July 29th, 2007In Quorum one Sunday, High Priests are discussing (as they so often do) the finer points of doctrine.
“I do my Home Teaching the first week of the month. I and my companion go and visit our families, make sure they’re okay, and that they lack for nothing, If they need someone to help with the garden, we’re there. If someone is sick, and needs a blessing, we’re there,” boasts one High Priest.
Another one only chuckles. “I do the same things, brother. Only I do it all a week before you.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Gone AWOL
July 29th, 2007As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Piccolo
July 28th, 2007A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. “Boris!” he yells. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?”
“Well,” Boris replies. “I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra.”
“Spectacular!” the man replies.
“It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the King of England, he loves the music.
He says ‘Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.
We play for the Queen of France. She loves the music.
She says ‘Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.
Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music.
He says ‘Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit and the trombone doesn’t fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Frog Prince
July 28th, 2007The beautiful princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell.
One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked, “Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?”
“Yes, I am, ” the frog said. “But it’s a heck of a spell. It’ll probably take a blow job.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
