Archive for June, 2007
Hunting
June 30th, 2007A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, “If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he’s the one who shot it. Otherwise, he’ll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it.”
The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who’s hollering, “Awright, lady, awright – you can have the freaking deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Knocked up filly
June 29th, 2007A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn’t want her knocked up, because she won’t be able to race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the philly’s rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet’s solution worked, but the filly’s nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor’s farm, and sees the neighbor’s kid out by their barn.
“Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?” the farmer asks.
The kid replies, “No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Boarding the bus
June 28th, 2007One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, “Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, “Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”
Lights off, Now!
June 27th, 2007[inspic=1801,left]
Driver identification
June 27th, 2007How to identify where a driver is from:
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; with gun in lap: LA
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both feet holding the brake while their buddy takes a leak: Montana
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas City Male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
In the Cupboard
June 26th, 2007A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. The
little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a football.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “£250″
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “£750″
Man – “Sold.”
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.” The father says, “What?! How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again. You’re in my cupboard now.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Playing with the boys
June 26th, 2007A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked “If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
The Secretary’s Math
June 26th, 2007A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his female secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
