Archive for May, 2007
Customer Service
May 31st, 2007A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant – first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh I don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Manual manipulation
May 30th, 2007
Toughest cowboy
May 29th, 2007Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
The Inseminator
May 28th, 2007A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
“That fellow from the city will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here,” she tells him.
“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.
Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Safe Driver Award
May 28th, 2007A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Albert Einstein’s Last Family Photo
May 27th, 2007
Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?
May 27th, 2007A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!
“Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified wildebeest stammers, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feel like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, “Geez, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so pissed.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Dog Arrested
May 26th, 2007It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
