Archive for April, 2007
Where am I?
April 30th, 2007A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.” The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Viagra Appetite
April 30th, 2007A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?” she asks.
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires.
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m starving.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
What happens in Vegas comes home from Vegas
April 29th, 2007Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ’7 come 11′ all night and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Plastered
April 29th, 2007The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.”
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.”
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.”
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!”
This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Money Mann
April 28th, 2007An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building.
Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
“No,” his friend said, “it’s named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.”
“Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Sign language
April 28th, 2007A bar is located across the street from a school for the hearing impaired. Every evening after classes, members of the faculty come into the bar and have a drink. They use sign language to talk and sometimes their conversations become quite intense.
One afternoon a group of the teachers are sitting at a table and are being overly rambunctious in their sign language: their hands are held high, and they are swaying back and forth.
The bartender becomes quite agitated and says to one of his customers sitting at the bar, “Now they’ll never go home.”
“What do you mean?” asks the customer.
“You can’t get them out of here once they start singing!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Heaven
April 27th, 2007Heaven is when you have:
An American Salary
A British home
Chinese food
A German Car &
A Latin wife
Hell is when you have:
An American car
A British Wife
A Chinese home
German food &
A Latin salary
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Psychoanalyst
April 27th, 2007A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
