Archive for March, 2007
Captive
March 31st, 2007It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”
“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”
“But I made him agree to pay me 20 pieces for every week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”
“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Um, I have one more question…”
“What is that, my son?”
“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
And no drugs, either
March 30th, 2007A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The woman looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist.”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes! That’s amazing; how did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy. You keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate, and they made love.
After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The doctor was very surprised, and said “Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?’
His lover retorted, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
That’s not quite what teacher had in mind
March 30th, 2007The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is ‘beautiful’. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use ‘beautiful’ in a sentence?”
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”
The teacher says, “Very good, Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”
The teacher says, “Very good, Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”
Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, ‘Beautiful! Just freaking beautiful…’”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
You say tomato
March 29th, 2007A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the “upturn”.
“I think you mean the ‘intern’, don’t you?” asked the nurse on duty.
“Yes,” said the girl. “I want to have a ‘contamination.’”
“You mean ‘examination,’” the nurse corrected her.
“Well I want to go to the ‘fraternity ward,’ anyway.”
“I’m sure you mean the maternity ward.”
To which the girl replied: “Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity – what’s the difference? All I know is I haven’t demonstrated in two months and I think I’m stagnant.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Time
March 29th, 2007This young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to bed with in the worst possible way. He finally talks her into a “quickie”.
As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car, he said “If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time.”
To which she replied, “If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Smart cookie
March 28th, 2007They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye – very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said “To begin, I’ll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I’ll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, “Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?”
“Well, no,” she admitted, “But no one at home wants to sleep with me.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Hope she didn’t try to dial
March 28th, 2007The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, “I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I’ve ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!”
The librarian replied, “Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book.”
[tags]blonde jokes, jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Tree tee-hee
March 27th, 2007Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, this the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
