Archive for February, 2007
The History of Jack Schitt
February 28th, 2007For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
[tags]shit, jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Screw you
February 28th, 2007A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
An offer he couldn’t refuse
February 27th, 2007During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”
[tags]marriage, jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
He’s just going to pretend
February 27th, 2007Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!”
“Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard. “I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.”
“What?!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets real respiration or nothing.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
That’s evil
February 27th, 2007The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Too bad his mouth survived
February 26th, 2007A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cellphone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Dead frog
February 26th, 2007There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after having sex with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Johnny and the balloon
February 25th, 2007A kid blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.
“Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off.” You’re going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the mall.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
