Archive for January, 2007
Dentist Visit
January 31st, 2007The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual “This won’t hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. “Miss,” he said in a barely audible whisper, “You have hold of my testicles!”
“Yes, doc, I know,” she smiled, “and we aren’t going to hurt each other, are we?”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Olives
January 30th, 2007McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Checkup
January 29th, 2007A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible! How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10..” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
“10…9…8…7…”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
The Dentist
January 29th, 2007A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The woman looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist.”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes! That’s amazing; how did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy. You keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate, and they made love.
After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The doctor was very surprised, and said “Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?’
His lover retorted, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Good Night Sleep
January 28th, 2007A traveller named John pulled into a little town for the night to find every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded, “Or just a bed – I don’t care where.”
“Well I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I’m not sure it would be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveller assured him, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” he asked.
“Nope,” John replied, “I shut him up in no time.”
“How did you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said “Goodnight Beautiful.”
“With that, he sat up all night watching me.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Contractors
January 27th, 2007Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?” So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
Lawn Fun
January 27th, 2007A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel,” replied the madam.
“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.
“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
College Exam
January 26th, 2007Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
“For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!”
[tags]jokes, humour, funny, humor[/tags]
