Archive for December, 2006
Bear Religion
December 31st, 2006In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.
Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, “My God! Please give this bear some religion!”
Then, there was lightening in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, “My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive… ”
Car Accident
December 30th, 2006A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Sweeping
December 30th, 2006A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
Car Battery
December 30th, 2006An angry motorist went back to a garage where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
“Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”
Mom, I’m pregnant
December 30th, 2006“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then I went with the biggest.”
The Stork Family
December 30th, 2006Two storks are sitting in their nest – a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”
The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”
A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate – their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.
The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!”
Who to Lay Off
December 29th, 2006The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Oh, jack-off,” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”
Late G.I.s
December 29th, 2006The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
