Archive for November, 2006
Train Failure
November 30th, 2006A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
Life Savers
November 30th, 2006A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesaver candies and told the kids to close their eyes and taste each flavor. The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, they were all stumped. I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher, “it’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick, spit ‘em out – they’re assholes!
Almost a Virgin
November 28th, 2006O’Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O’Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O’Casey said, “You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did.”
“Experience is the best teacher,” Maureen said. “That’s how I lost all of my other suitors.”
12 steps to give a cat a pill
November 28th, 2006- Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on both sides of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat’s mouth closed as well.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
- Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set them aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
- Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistan’t armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow.
- Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, remove blodd from carpet with soap and cold water.
- Retrieve cat from neighbours roof.
- Telephone your veterinarian. Or better still, drop your cat, along with a generous donation at an animal shelter, and buy yourself a couple of goldfish.
Light Post
November 27th, 2006A drunk came from a bar at two o’clock in the morning and promptly walked into the nearest light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post carefully with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four times, examining all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped down on the curb and buried his head in his hands.
“It’s no use,” he sobbed. “I’m walled in.”
The Unix Guru’s View of Sex
November 27th, 2006unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Anal insertion
November 26th, 2006A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, “DAMN!”
“What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.”
In the saddle
November 26th, 2006A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final “Yaaaaaa-Hoooooo!” and gallops off.
“My god!” says the gas station guy. “What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?” “Why, nothing,” says the girl, “I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn.”
“Lady,” says the guy, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
