Archive for September, 2006
Time to Get Up
September 30th, 2006Dear God,
So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped. I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t cheated or lied. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to have to get out of bed; and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help.
Amen
You know you’re from Canada when…
September 30th, 2006- You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
- You head south to go to your cottage.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making.
- You find -40C a little chilly.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
- You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
Upgrading Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
September 30th, 2006Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. There was no mention of this phenomenon on the product’s web site or on its packaging at the time of purchase.
In addition, Wife 1.0 has installed itself into all my other programs, launching during system initialization and causing it to monitor all my other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 4.5 and Beer bash 2.2.1 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I really enjoyed playing with Girlfriend 1.0 and I thought that upgrading would result in even greater enjoyment of the program. Now I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend1.0 but un-install does not work. Can you help me?
Concerned User.
Dear Sir:
This is a very common problem men complain about but it is mostly due to the end user’s product misconception.
Wife 1.0 is a great product but it is very high maintenance.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
In actuality, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 any more than you can go back to a 386 and DOS. Some have tried to override the system by installing Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0, but they inevitably end up with greater problems than the ones they were trying to cure. (Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support/Garnished Earnings).
Having inadvertently installed Wife 1.0 myself some time ago, I recommend that you do what most users do, which is to keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I also suggest that you read the entire manual section on General Protection Faults (GPFs). Basically, it tells you that you must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. In most situations, the best course of action is to push Shift-Apologize-Reset as soon as lock-up occurs.
Generally, the system will run smoothly for continued periods of time as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Creator Tech Support
Electric Chair
September 29th, 2006The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”
Elevator
September 29th, 2006An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
Jigsaw Puzzle
September 28th, 2006A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”
“What’s the picture of?” he asks.
“It’s of a big rooster,” she replies.
“All right,” he says, “I’ll come over and have a look.”
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.
He looks at the jigsaw and says, “For pete’s sake – put the cornflakes back in the box.”
Smart Car
September 28th, 2006Rectal Thermometer
September 28th, 2006A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well isn’t that great, just great! Some asshole’s got my pen.”
