Archive for August, 2006
What Parents Do for a Living
August 31st, 2006A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
Vote for What Parents Do for a Living on LinkBEE.com
Possibilities
August 31st, 2006Results of a contest for “theories” sponsored by Omni magazine:
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down.
I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground . With a giant buttered cat array, a high- speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNER-UP #1:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
RUNNER-UP #2:
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
RUNNER-UP #3:
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
RUNNER-UP #4:
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.
Vote for Possibilities on LinkBEE.com
Fake Brunette
August 30th, 2006A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you? You’re really a blonde”.
She says “yes doctor”.
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
Vote for Fake Brunette on LinkBEE.com
Two at a Time
August 30th, 2006A woman with six children in tow approached the train fare counter and asked for five tickets. “One for me”, she said, “then two full-fare for John and Jack who are 16; two half-fare for Millie and Mollie who are six; and none at all for Tim and Tom who are only four.”
The ticket agent stared at the brood of twins. “Do you mean to tell me, madam,” he said at last, “that you get two children every time?”
“Of course not,” the woman replied. “Usually, we don’t get any at all.”
Vote for Two at a Time on LinkBEE.com
Badtimes
August 30th, 2006If you receive an e-mail entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty, It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your rootbeer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Vote for Badtimes on LinkBEE.com
Heart Transplant
August 29th, 2006A new arrival about to enter hospital saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
“Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”
“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock.”
Vote for Heart Transplant on LinkBEE.com
Computers are Like Women
August 29th, 2006- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
Vote for Computers are Like Women on LinkBEE.com
Is There a Doctor Around?
August 28th, 2006It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
Vote for Is There a Doctor Around? on LinkBEE.com
