Archive for July, 2006
Tent Pole
July 31st, 2006John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring a note to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
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Miss Bee
July 31st, 2006Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped…or something!
But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Bee,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this.” (Pointing to the bowl)
“Oh yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it’s working! I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
Vote for Miss Bee on LinkBEE.com
Speech Recognition
July 31st, 2006The Leprechaun
July 30th, 2006A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an
enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn’t stand it. “I didn’t want to say anything, but you’ve got the biggest penis I’ve ever seen!”
“Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I’m a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?”
“Sure!” said the first guy. “1st I’d like an enormous mansion.”
“Done, you’ll wake up in it tomorrow.”
“2nd I’d like a beautiful girlfriend.”
“Sure, you’ll wake up with her next to you in the morning.”
“3rd, I’d like a penis the size of yours!”
“OK, but I will have to butt-fuck you first.”
Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over.
The first guy looks up as he is getting it from behind and says, “I can’t believe I’m gonna have a penis the size of yours!”
And the guy answers, “I cant believe you think I’m a leprechaun!”
Vote for The Leprechaun on LinkBEE.com
Top 10 Signs You Know it’s Time to Join E-mailers Anonymous
July 30th, 2006- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- Your firstborn is named dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
- You find yourself typing “com” after every period.com
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail the link to someone.
Throwing Rocks
July 30th, 2006“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!”
“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”
The mother stated emphatically, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”
The boy quickly replied, “What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.”
Tennis Ball
July 30th, 2006While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”
Arthritis
July 29th, 2006A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” The disgusted priest answers: “Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”
“I’ll be damned!” the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: “I’m very sorry; I didn’t mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?”
“Oh, I don’t have it,” replies the man; “It says here that the Pope does.”
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