Archive for May, 2006
Fluffy Toys
May 31st, 2006A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, “So, how was I?”
She replied, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
Rubber Thingy
May 31st, 2006An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”
The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”
The Jar
May 30th, 2006When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar…and the 2 cups of coffee..
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ” I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions — things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else — the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and “fix the disposal.”
Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
Hitchhiking
May 30th, 2006A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started to move very slowly.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.
Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted, and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of screech.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this erie story. Hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and definitely not drunk!
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Look, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!”
Women & Age
May 30th, 2006Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Cheerleader, or if she is PMS’ing: sees Fat, Pimples, UGLY.. “Mom I can’t go out looking like this”
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too straight, too curly but decides she’s going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too straight, too curly, but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too straight, too curly, and says “at least I’m clean”, and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter, and ability…goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.
Age 90: Can’t see so doesn’t worry about it!
The Seven Dwarfs
May 29th, 2006The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. “Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”
Dopey asks, “Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting…
“Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!”
Mysteries of the Bra
May 29th, 2006A man walked into the Women’s Department of Macy’s in New York City. He told the saleslady “I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B.”
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? “What kind of bra?” He repeated “A Baptist Bra” – She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted.”
“Ah, now I remember” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type.”
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”
The lady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.” He mused on that information for a minute, and asked “So, what is the Baptist type for?” “They,” she replied, “make mountains out of mole-hills.”
Interesting Facts
May 28th, 2006- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
- “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
- Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in “-dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. - Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”.
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON’T try this @ home!)
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tub and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. (Presbyterian)
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.
- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
- A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
- Shakespeare invented the word “assassination” and “bump.”
- Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
- If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
- The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.
- The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
- TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
- If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction. - The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (does that one really surprise any of us?)
- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
- Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
- “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
- No president of the United States was an only child.
