Archive for April, 2006
The Bear
April 28th, 2006A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings .”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.”
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
Best Coffee in Canada
April 28th, 2006A Newfoundland woman “of a certain age”, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s sex drive.
“What about trying Viagra?”, asks the doctor.
“Oh, no, doctor, I couldn’t do dat,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went”
It wasn’t a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh jaysus mary and joseph, doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee, lard? De effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!
With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunder and jaysus, didn’t he take me right then and there, making wild,mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!”
“Why so terrible?”, asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex was not good?”
“No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, ’twas the best sex I had in 25 years. But, oh me son, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s ever again!”
Gas Prices
April 23rd, 2006The Perfect Couple
April 23rd, 2006Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
View the Comments for the answer.
Smart Kid
April 23rd, 2006There was a city cop, on his horse, waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” the little boy said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”
The young boy looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?”
Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
Kisses
April 23rd, 2006One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”
“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.”
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!”
Are you a Lady or a Real Woman?
April 23rd, 2006- Ladies – If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.
Real Woman – If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”.
- Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?.
- Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
- Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
- Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Woman – Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.
- Ladies – Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Woman – Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t do it.
- Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman – Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. (bash the living **** outta it)
- Ladies – Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman – Leftover wine??
Vote for Are you a Lady or a Real Woman? on LinkBEE.com
Pregnancy Q & A
April 23rd, 2006Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
