An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman told her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirped, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic said, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence, and finally replied, “My son is 6′ 2″, he has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, ‘Oh, my God!’”

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the hell,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said…..”Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.”

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, “You now have 3 wishes.” I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.”

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?”

The dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”

“Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an eight.”

A 75 year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: well, doc, its like this:

First I tried with my right, hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, with nothing.

Then her left, but nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied: Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldnt get the DAMN jar open!

During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?”

The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?” The navigator then told him the story.

The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!”

After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.

She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner.

Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, “I thought you had never been with a woman before?”

He replies, “That’s true, but if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, we’re going to need all the room we can get!”